From the heart.

I have been strong, for Sawyer. But there are days where I am not. We made it through the surgery with a limited number of tears. I would have never dreamed so little to be possible. But your body works in mysterious ways. Since getting home, I have almost found it to be harder than our 6 days in the PICU. I have felt a rush of emotions at the oddest of times since returning home. Things that I am sure I was pushing back during the recovery time. But now that we are out of danger to most risks, I have time to think about stupid little things. I feel like we were rushed out of the hospital the day of the discharge. The first time I felt so lost in every decision I made. I didn’t know how he should be sleeping or where. If I could resume feeding him solids right away. What to do when he threw up all his medicine and more. There were so many questions I had. Thankfully most have been answered by my sister-in-laws friend, a PICU nurse at another hospital here in town. (Thank you Kelly, you have eased my mind more than you know. And everything you suggested worked like magic!)

What I have found to be the hardest, I would have never thought of. I am feeling detached to Sawyer, because he does not look like “my” Sawyer. Of course they did not change his features, and more and more each day I see his personality shine through. And I know he is still swollen and won’t go down for another month. I know this all, and still I am just feeling like I’ve lost my little baby and its my fault that he’s changed. I know I am insane in thinking it, and then I add some guilt on top of it just for thinking it. I still love him, and when he smiles I am so proud of how far he’s come in just one short week. But I am being honest tonight and that is my biggest struggle so far.

So now you know, I’m human, and not some super mom you’ve all made me out to be. I very much appreciate all the kind encouragement through this whole process. And for the most part I surprised even myself. But I think in the PICU you HAVE to be strong. I did not see another parent in there crying. And I talked to 3 personally. You do it for your kid. But now that we are home, I am allowing feelings in. Its a good thing to have those breaking moments. To cry in the grocery store parking lot. (I wonder what those people parking beside me thought!) Because the human heart can only take so much. So thank you for continuing to lift my spirit. I am still being reached out to by so many people. I would never have thought that anyone beside my husband, dad and aunt read my blog. That alone means so much. (I hope I can continue to keep your attention after this ordeal is over!)

Tomorrow morning my mom leaves and we end just another chapter in this story. Its going to be hard to see her leave. It’s been a huge weight off my shoulder having her help around the house. Even going out together shopping like a regular visit day was just what I needed today. But life goes on and she must go home without us. But then we are lucky because Sawyers GB is coming on the 18th! It will be so nice to see Brandon enjoy the time with his Mom and Sawyer together, like I have enjoyed with my Mom. I am excited to see how he continues to amaze us each day with his smiles and giggles. His new love of books and his growing curiosity. (although the new toy today seems to be scaring the beegeezus out of him!)

And lastly I just want to say I can’t seem to keep up with the thank you’s. I have been literally left speechless over the generosity shown to Sawyer and our family. The flowers, edible arrangements and gift cards for Brandon and I. The toys and books for Sawyer. Each time we receive something, I find it amazing how many people are brightening our days in so many ways. We’ve had so many care packages through the hospital stay and since coming home. Friends and family bringing dinners over. Especially the softy newborn hats Sawyer had custom made for him! I am just loving him in them since he has no hair! I truly am so thankful for everything. You reached out when you didn’t have to, and its very appreciated.

Well this was yet another late night update. I am sure there is spelling errors, grammar errors, sentences that just plainly don’t make sense. Some rambling, some jumping to all different topics. But your getting the real story. I am writing this from my heart. I’ve never promised perfection but I am sharing my story. Thanks for sticking through it.

12 thoughts on “From the heart.”

  1. You’re so strong, A. So very very strong 🙂 Sawyer is lucky to have such a great Mother and Father. Bless all those people who have gifted you things, there IS some good people left. I hope Little Man gets even better really soon. He’s precious 🙂

  2. Oh Alissa, in reading this I wanted to give you a big hug and say that what you’re feeling is totally normal!! Everyday for 5 weeks while Cale was in the NICU, when I left each night(you could not stay at night) I’d pray no one was on the elevator with us because I couldn’t hold it together until I got to the car!

    And every morning, I’d stand in the shower crying blaming myself for my sweet baby being there! I now know that it was partly hormones but also partly a mother’s guilt!

    Hang in there! And it’s ok to have feelings!! Sawyer looks as sweet as ever!!

    Love Monica

    1. Monica
      I don’t know how you left each night. I can’t believe they made you go home every night. What an awful thing you had to go through. Thank you for reassuring me it’s all normal!

  3. Oh honey….you will be ok – because you know how to express yourself and you are not scared to be honest with yourself (and others!) on this blog. I am in AWE of that.

    I agree – most people can be strong when they need to – but most would not admit when they can’t!

    You are a very special young lady, who has just been through something most people can not even imagine. You have literally created a new “normal” in your life…and it may be a long way back to the old one. For you, for Brandon and for Sawyer.

    But you will get there. I believe in you…not the “super-hero” you…just the Alissa I have known and loved all your life. You dont have to be anyone but that girl…cause heres the real truth – SHE is the one we all love!

    Thinking of you from far away… Auntie K

  4. Good morning from Calgary, Alissa. Pretty sure that I can say for all of us who follow your blog that we still think of you as that amazing and strong mom that you are … only even more so! Did you ever feel down after the high of wedding preparations and wonder why? Or did you give birth to Sawyer and then come home with baby blues? That great chemical adrenaline that keeps us going when we need to be strong is only healthy in us for so long, and then we all have to crash down to normal. I don’t think it would be completely normal if you didn’t now get hit with a flood of tears and emotion. And then, with your mom leaving, you likely feel a lot more on your own while Brandon is at work. So … cry and get it out. And then carry on as you have being doing so beautifully. You are doing one great job, girl! And Sawyer – the Sawyer you completely recognize, is coming back!!
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers daily. Hugs 🙂
    “Fear not, for I am with you.” God

    1. Grace, you will find your strength when you need to. I had most of my tears in preparation for the surgery. But in that moment you will do great! And I will be right here if you need anything!

  5. I went to school with Brandon and have him as a Facebook friend. I have been following your story and absolutely adore your blog. It is now my #1 read when I get to work. You are such a fantastic writer who writes with such honesty and conviction. Sawyer is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. He will be back to his old self in no time. You are so strong and such an amazing inspiration to so many people. I hope today is a great one. All the best to you, Sawyer and Brandon.

  6. I also went so high school with Brandon and have been reading up on Sawyer’s progress and am happy to see he is looking so much better! It’s amazing to think that one day when you are old Sawyer will be caring for you both and what parents he will have to look upto!! I hope all your days get much brighter soon and that Sawyer has a speedy recovery! Lots of warm wishes your way, Sawyer is a lucky little guy to have you guys as parents!!

  7. Ah Alissa, thank you for sharing from you heart and being vulnerable! You have been through so much and it is good to allow yourself to “feel” now. You had to be strong and focused during the time at the hospital, and now is your recovery time too! Hang in there girl, and I know that the bond and feelings for and with Sawyer will not only return but grow stronger. You are such a wonderful mom and I am so excited for you, Brandon & Sawyer as you continue to live, laugh, and love as you grow and make memories together! I pray a special blessing over you and your family and I thank God for the amazing healing that you are already seeing! God bless you & your fam, and a special extra hug for little Sawyer!
    Lotsa love > Lyndsi

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