One Week.

Last night Sawyer must have known I was starting to let the feelings sink in. He woke up 4 times after being put down for the night. Just crying and crying. So I got to spend a lot of extra time holding him and cuddling. He calmed down as soon as I touched him , I stood for a long time rocking him back and forth. Then we sat on the glider together. He was being so sweet in my arms. And  right before I put him down the last time, he looked up at me and it was almost too dark to notice, he gave me this big beautiful smile with eyes half closed and so tired, and gently reached up and touched my cheek and then went back to sleep. That’s about as sweet as a moment can get.

And yes we are now under a week away from this. One week from right now I will be having multiple panic attacks in the children’s wing waiting room. We will thankfully be surrounded by family and friends, and be updating everyone back home too. (we’re gonna miss our GB that day, but we promise to make you feel like your there with us as much as possible.) For those of you who want to be kept in the loop, I will be posting to my fb page, and I will do a daily post to lissables at the end of each day. I will be posting photo’s as well. They are going to be graphic sometimes. There is your warning. I am documenting it for myself and for the friends and family back home who want to see it. But I totally understand if you avoid my pages all week!

Tomorrow is our pre-op appointment with the pediatric plastic surgeon. My mom arrives on Monday. Sawyer will have blood drawn Monday or Tuesday. And in 7 days we will be on our way to recovery and this whole process will be winding down and out of our lives. Again thank you to everyone who is following our story and being so supportive. I would not be able to be this strong for Sawyer without this outlet for my emotions and the support you all give us. Your little messages always give me the strength to get through the harder days. I may not always reply to your messages but I read them all. One more week. Just have to get through one more week.

The Wonderful Long Weekend

Hello Blog world!

You know after all this cranio stress it doesn’t take much to make something a great day. Well this weekend sure topped anything lately!

1. A surprise present from a new friend. I love surprises and how cute are these adorable cupcake tea towels! I wish Ikea was closer to us because I would be day dreaming there often!

2. My sister in law gave us a giant box of hand me downs! I love getting hand me downs. And I’ve already fallen in love with some of these outfits on my nephews. Like the matching Pj’s I got all the boys the christmas before we got pregnant. The suit my first nephew wore to our wedding. (nothing will ever be cuter!) And a whole bunch of other amazing little man clothes! {That Peacoat and those knit Pajama’s!}

3. This one is for sure the best part of the weekend/month/year. We traded in my old Mazda Tribute for a brand new Dodge Journey. I had already fallen in love with the Journey, but we were looking at used first. But they managed to trade mine in for a much better deal. I’ve never had a new car so we are both smitten with everything, down to the new car smell! But our favorite perks include the 2 {removable} coolers built into the floor, The built in booster seats in the middle row, the extra third row {I can fit 7 people in my new car!} And the Uconnect. I love that I don’t need to be remotely near my phone to answer calls through my car now. So much safer for Sawyer and I! Which also reminds me keyless entry and the push start button! O I could go on and on. I am finding any excuse to drive my new baby. Smitten for sure. {They let Sawyer ring the Gong, video is on fb. quite funny, he was into it until the gong made any sound. Then not so much!}

4. Another big family get together. I do love lazy weekend get togethers. Everyone in the pool with the whole bunch of growing kids. The just right amount of hot. Its just perfect feeling. In honor of Memorial Day this long weekend, I made a patriotic firecracker bundt cake. I swirled red, white and blue batter together and topped it with the same melted frosting, and sprinkles. After I baked it I decided it wasn’t big enough for the big get together so I made some extra cupcakes last minute. Chocolate with buttercream, melted blue frosting dripped on top and again sprinkles for fun. I love making themed cakes. Glad this one turned out so fun! And it was sure a big hit with everyone, which is always makes my day.

Sawyer had such a good time. He is slowly warming up to the pool faster each time. Today we even got him into a floaty on his own! But having so much fun wears him out fast. A nap during his bottle and he was out before we got half way home. I love watching him on our monitor being old cold like that. No one sleeps quite as cute as this little man!

12 days from now.

We now have the surgery date, the pre op appointment, and are just waiting on the insurance approval so the Neurosurgeon can give us our full set of instructions. As we get closer to the actual day, my mind is starting to wear down the strong wall I’ve built. For months I have been able to push the thought of this surgery far off  into the small dark corners of my mind. But its 12 days away now.

My stomach does flips when I read that. 12 days. I have registered for a care package on Sawyers behalf at, and I have been reading their updates on other surgeries. Its empowering reading other mom’s strong words of heartbreak. I know Sawyer’s story will soon be on their board. And I hope it helps other moms like myself have a deep breath and just a moment of peace in the whole process.

I can’t tell you its been easy, since most of you know our struggles with health care and insurance. I’m not going to say one system is better than the other because both have faults. I think our hardest struggle is knowing both, and having to switch to an unfamiliar system. We have had amazing Doctors and always wonderful nurses, they just come between frustrations over the phone. And though its been a rocky road, its almost over. {Please don’t let me have another high risk pregnancy! We’ve seen enough doctors this last year to last a lifetime already!}

So as we gear up to the worst day of my life Sawyer’s surgery, I am starting to break down a bit each day. I cry reading the success stories, I cried last night reading “I’ll like your for always, I’ll love you forever, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be.” Basically I cry at anything. I must be so fun to live with {thanks Brandon} I’m starting to pack a hospital bag for sawyer. With anything that buttons up instead of going over his head. Some toys, some books, Some super soft blankets. And the one I made for him that he loves to run his hands over. I know for me being told I wouldn’t be able to see for 4 days would be extremely disorientating, but Sawyer won’t know that’s coming at all. So I want to make that transition as easy as possible for him. He loves to hold any of my necklaces in his hands while he falls asleep. {which is why there is 3 laying broken on my nightstand right now} So I am packing things like that too. To let him know I’m Here For You.

12 days.

Photo shoot Giveaway

Hey everyone. I know most of my readers are in the Calgary area. {though I am not. Yet.} So because of that I am sharing a photo shoot giveaway the a fabulous photographer there is doing. If you have me on fb you may remember 2 years ago my youngest sister-in-law got married. It was intimate and beautiful. Everglow Photography did their pictures and they turned out beautifully.

So if you are looking for a fun giveaway prize, this is it.  Visit her blog for instructions. And her fb page to qualify for winning the photo shoot of your choice {excluding weddings}

Good luck!

The Littlest Girl {PJ}

Its been such a happy eventful weekend. You all know we got a surgery date. Hooray. But before that we got even more exciting news. My sister in law {who is the only family that lives in Las Vegas with us,} had her baby Friday morning. We were all waiting on one phone call. It came Friday morning at 9:30am as we were taking my nephews to gymnastics. A little baby was born, and they had decided not to find out the sex of the baby. What a surprise when they found out it was a girl!

The first girl! After 5 little boys, the first granddaughter was born! Little Parker June {PJ} has made quite the entrance to this world. We are all so excited for her. {and shopping on the pink side of the stores!} Which we certainly did yesterday morning. I mean it was ruffle bloomers! How do you not buy them. I cant wait to see her in every single outfit we found, or she received in her first 4 days!

This is going to be one spoiled little girl. And I can’t wait to be a part of her life growing up. As if my camera does not seem to snap enough on it’s own, Ive been loving taking sweet little girl photos. Bring on the pink, the ruffles, the bows, THE GIRLY!

Congrats to Jess, Matt, Tate and Beckett on the amazing new addition to an already wonderful family!

A Surgery Date!

It has finally happened! Remember how just a couple days ago I was told end of June. Seems like no one communicates at all betweens the doctors and patients. We literally just got a letter in the mail with a Surgery date.

JUNE 6.  Sagittal craniosynostosis, total cranial reconstruction.  5:30 am arrival and surgery begins at 7:30 am. 3-5 days in hospital recovery.

We are now supposed to make an appointment for a 3 week week prior pre-op appointment. Which would be right now. So hopefully we can get in and everything goes smoothly from here on!

Thanks for the support guys!

Princess Party Cakes

I somehow forgot in all the hustle and bustle to share one of my favorite recent cake creations. After doing most of our friends little’s birthdays, I had one last request. A full on princess party! I cannot tell you what a little princess I was, so I was extremely excited to make anything PINK PINK PINK!

There was a large amount of cupcakes and mini’s. But my favorite part is the princess cakes themselves. As requested a Belle from Beauty and the Beast.  And Aurora from Sleeping Beauty. Belle is all buttercream with the smallest details of fondant. And Aurora was all fondant. I have to say as I look at them I hate Aurora and love Belle. But that’s just the way they turned out.

I can’t wait to play with this cake pan again. I am dying to make an Ariel cake next. However I see a much different theme in our future! And that is perfectly ok. But if YOU are looking for a princess cake in the future, you know where to find me.

Mint Chocolate Cupcakes

Hey all.

cupcakes make everything better. So here is my latest.

Last weekend, last minute I needed some zen therapy. To me that means making my mixer shake across my counter as I make cake and frosting. In the experimenting mood I offered to make some mini’s for a baby shower. Mint Chocolate. Fudge cupcakes dipped in chocolate ganache. Topped with mint green buttercream and 3 mini chocolate chips. Mighty fantastic. And then to make sure I had some for the non-minter’s, I made some always favorite: cookies n’ cream. Coordinating opposite liners for each.

When everything else goes wrong, eat cake.

Not always the strong one.

For most of the posts about Sawyer and his Craniosynostosis I have been upbeat and positive. I have learned how strong I am through this tiny child. And have been welcomed into a community of other mom’s who give me strength through their stories. And I have been brought to tears of the strength of one mom in particular. {If you wish to read her story you can find it here. I do recommend going back and reading it from the beginning. She is an incredible woman.} Be warned her journey will bring you to tears many times. And as most days I can put this into the far back corners of my mind, some days are just not that fortunate.

After our last doctors appointment {April 9} we were told CTscan and surgery would be scheduled asap, and everything would be over by May 9th at the latest. I wish they would understand that when you give dates to a stressed and optimistic mom of a 6 month old, she takes them as that. May 9th has come and gone. We finally got the CATscan done late due to poor communication with our insurance company and doctors. And then we waited 4 days. No call, no dates. I called them today to get my answers myself.

I cannot tell you what a frustration it is when my phone call seems to be of no importance to anyone. I was transferred to 4 different women, each not knowing why I had been transferred, and having to explain it over again. By the 4th time, my voice was cracking with tears. I was told I could have a consult appointment on May 21. When I asked to have it sooner I was told I could have one this Thursday if I could bring my CTscan results in with me. But I explained that I indeed did not have them and that they were the ones who had the results. She told me no and transfered me again. I finally got someone to look at his actual file and tell me what was going on. Apparently they have been trying to schedule his surgery {but didn’t think I needed a phone call about it.} The problem is that my Neurosurgeon is going on vacation. We have been moved to end of June. Still without a date.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I understand that everyone deserves a vacation. I am just extremely frustrated with not being told anything, with waiting since February for this surgery, with the stress of dealing with all of this. I feel continually like our doctors do not see us on a human level. They do not understand that as first time parents of a 7 month old baby, we might appreciate knowing what is happening. So somedays are not as strong, and today happens to be one of them. Where dealing with 2 dogs at the vet getting multiple shots was miles easier than one phone call to one doctors office. Where I wish I hadn’t phoned and ruined my morning after having a great time with family.

No some of those days, its easier to just curl up and have a good cry. Let your baby have an extra nap, an extra bottle because who cares if his schedule is was off today. Have a couple vents on the phone {thanks dad.} And then have a couple deep breaths, read the blog posts from reflections on a journey and remember: its nothing compared to some. Its crappy, and its not going to change. So deal with it. And then have another cry. Life goes on.

Happy Mothers Day

We had a wonderful Saturday celebrating Mothers Day with all the family here. Pretty much perfect. And tomorrow I won’t be posting because hopefully we’re having just as awesome of a day. (wink wink!) So for all the Mothers in my life, Thank you. For just being you. I know I wouldn’t be the same without you. And I wouldn’t be the same without this little boy either.

Happy Mothers Day.