Its here, we’ve waited forever, and I’ve been so angry and frustrated waiting and waiting. And yet these last days, even though they’ve felt longer than the one before, have gone by so fast. We are here. The day before the surgery.
This whole process I have maintained my composure. I have been strong when faced with a difficult path. And I am still 100% grateful this is all we are faced with. I know tomorrow in that great big Hospital there will be many parents and family and children dealing with life changing heartbreaks. I know some of those people deal with that daily. So for that alone I can be strong. But it doesn’t change your mind from wondering.
All those tiny little thoughts have dropped seeds, that planted tree’s, that grew and grew, and had bright vivid flowers in every part of my mind. My mind has been there and back with every possible way something could go wrong. The darkest corners of my mind goes even further. I cry sometimes just holding him. I hold him and rock him a bit longer, worried it could be the last time, worried that I would look back angry at myself for not doing it. I drive with the music in the car too loud, so I can’t hear my own thoughts. Because they can eat me alive.
I fight with Brandon more. And in between fights we are laughing till it hurts at 2 am about our dog who behaves like a cat and has a special toy she goes everywhere with. But then we fight again, because I am so anxious, nervous, overwhelmed and stressed about tomorrow. And I fight with him because I know he is my rock. He is strong when I need to be weak. And he is a great Father. But we only have each other to take that stress out on. And he does the same with me. And it’s ok. I know it will be just as hard on him as it is on me. But together we will get through it. Because he’s my best friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else there holding my hand.
Today was just the beginning of our tears. I pre-registered at the Hospital. And Sawyer had to have blood taken for hospital records. I had to hold him against my chest, another nurse had to hold his arm down and straight while another nurse had to draw the blood. He was crying before that needle hit him. And I have never heard a scream like the one that followed and lastest the next 20 minutes.It was so slow. I’ve had blood drawn many times and I have watched it easily fill 4 vials. They had to draw it out on him. It just slowly filled 2 vials. I never want to hear that scream again. I couldn’t comfort him at all. I tried to rock him and hold him. Nothing helped. He was so cautious if anyone came near him the rest of the appointment. It was heartbreaking to see distrust in such a tiny face.
But we made it through today just like we will tomorrow. It will be long. The longest day of my life. I already can’t eat anything out of fear of not keeping it down. My throat is tight and my tears are on the verge of my eyes already. But I am strong and we have so many people already helping and giving as much as they can. I very much appreciate it all. Thank you to everyone who is thinking of us tomorrow. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you.
So I’m going to try and get some sleep. And I’m going to probably fail at that. This is most likely going to be an experiment of how long I can go without sleeping. And tomorrow I am going to face the worst day of my life. And I know you will all be there behind me. And we will all be there for Sawyer. And he is so lucky for that. And I am lucky for that. And those thoughts will still make their way in during that endless wait. But that’s part of being a Mommy. And that’s my life from now on. So I’ll be the best Mommy I can be this week.
Hang in there Sweetie, I so wish I was there to hug you. I am glad that your mom is there to help you through. Wow for being so young you know exactly what is happening with you and Brandon. You will both get through it. Tomorrow my little buddy will have a new shape to his noggin, hopefully they don’t make it square like his Granbarry 🙂
Love you lots.
Alissa, I really feel for you right now as a fellow Mommy, what you are going through is heartbreaking. I am so glad you have Brandon and your Mom by your side so you can make it through tomorrow. We will all be thinking of you and little Sawyer here and sending all our positive thoughts your way. Once the surgery is over, I’m sure you’ll be amazed at how strong you were for your little boy, the strength mothers can summon is truly amazing – we all have a powerful Mama Bear inside us! Lots of love to you all, we’re so looking forward to seeing your family this summer. Hugs and kisses to sweet Sawyer! XOXOXO
I coudn’t be prouder of the Mother you have become, together is how we are going to get through the day,so much love surrounds us every step of the way!
There aren’t any other words I can offer as comfort right now besides I love you. You will get through this and you will better equipped afterwards to handle anything else life throws your way. A wise “little” girl once told me…”You are braver than you believe and stronger than you seem” at a time I needed to hear it the most. Repeat these words over and over in your head or out loud in order to keep the crazies at bay;)
Well great, you broke the first tear out. Thanks Kimmy. Love you too. Thanks for the quote reminder.
While you’re not sleeping tonight, Alyssa, know that prayers are being offered up for your little man. Take comfort in knowing that Sawyer is surrounded by love and support, as are you. I’ll await good news that the surgery is successfully behind you! Hang in there, girl! Love Jayne
Alissa, Brandon, and Sawyer;
The eve of the big and anxiety-provoking day has arrived. Very soon, you will be counting the days of Sawyer’s successful recovery from this necessary but scary operation. From the nurse we have recently spoken with, this procedure is expected to be routine. That is hard for all of us to understand — it is so invasive and so out of the ordinary. We all believe that Sawyer will still be “our Sawyer” that we have come to love and smile at as he strikes one of his many poses for the cameras that always seem to be around him. We love you all and our prayers are extended to you to (somehow) remain calm during this ordeal.
Love, GB and Pop-pop
A few more thoughts and prayers coming your way from Calgary. You have been one amazing little mama through these rough weeks Alissa, and you will continue to be strong for little Sawyer through his recovery. He is going into this surgery a very happy & healthy little boy because of the wonderful family he has, and you will be amazed at how quickly he bounces back to his same little self. Take care of each other through the next difficult hours, ’cause he is going to be well looked after and feeling better before you know it, and you will need your strength to keep up to him !
You really are “braver than you believe and stronger than you seem” !
Love to you all,
Linda
We are sending all our love your way..Alissa, Brandon and Sawyer.
We feel connected to you all through all of the beautiful photo’s you post and the wonderful Lissable’s blog that you keep here. You are a strong woman, mother and wife and never forget that:) We tend to be hardest on the ones we love because we know that is our safe place to go when the going gets tough, that is called marriage. I will be following you along on Sawyer’s recovery journey and looking very forward to seeing you all in Calgary this summer;)
Love Brenda xo
Hey Alissa,
I remember sitting in a café with you in London, and you telling me that you were going home to help Brandon move from Calgary to Las Vegas. I knew you weren’t coming back but at the same time I knew he was your “one” and you had to go home. It has been four years and it’s amazing how much we’ve grown. You are a beautiful mum and have become the person that God gave you all the talents to become. I hope that someday I’m as understand a wife as you are and as good a mum.