Last Night.

7:15pm I am rocking Sawyer to sleep and he is of course fighting it.

7:55pm I am still rocking Sawyer to sleep. He is out and has been for 3o minutes. But I can’t put him down.

8:30pm I still can’t put him down.

8:50pm I have posted my pre written blog post and Im feeling good. Strong. Touched by the messages and support pouring in.

9:00pm I think Im going to be sick.

9:30pm I haven’t eaten anything since 1pm and I can’t even think about food, I am fighting the urge to sit in the bathroom all night and purge my entire body.

9:47pm Reading comments on my last blog post breaks me first tears. I have been holding them at bay successfully until I read my sisters comment. Reminding me of a quote I repeated to her over and over again, “Always remember you are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”

10:00pm I just made “bribery cupcakes” I am going to butter up {literally} those nurses so I am the happiest patient on their mind. What else am I supposed to do with my time tonight.

10:12pm Scratch that. Ingredients I bought for frosting was not my regular ones and even with the exact same measurements they were WAY off. So off to the store for replacements. May have taken the long way back with music on high.

10:23pm My stomach is doing flips that I didn’t know were possible.

11:20 Just finished feeding Sawyer his last bottle. He was so sound asleep he didn’t even stir when I scooped him out of his crib and snuggled him into the glider with me. He drained it dry. I didnt want to put him down again. But I did. And he snuggled into his bear. So sweet.

12:35am Round 2 of making frosting. I always have a few “safety” tastes but tonight I just do not want any food. I didn’t even buy chips at the store. *gasp* seriously not wanting anything in my stomach.

1:00am I can’t sleep. Though I feel like Ive never been this tired. I am emotionally drained.

1:15am I am on my third load of laundry. I am never this productive. I have half packed bags for Sawyer and I. I am sure I brought all the wrong things and forgot everything I will actually need.

1:25am I am watching a teen mom reunion. Clearly there is nothing left on tv at this time of night.

2:08am I’m on pinterest. But what else would I be doing at 2:08am? Almost feels normal.

2:27am Fourth load of laundry.

2:40am Perhaps I could take a nap before getting up at 4am to get ready for this.

3:17 falling asleep on the couch watching the disney channel. Happy thoughts.

4:28 am Wake up.

5:00 am Here we go. On our way to the hospital. It’s going to be a long day and here we go.