Intense Overwhelming Grief. Its the only way to describe this morning’s events. I was, like so many others today, watching as a small story grew into one of the worst in American’s history. The second largest school shooting. 27 dead, 20 children, 6 adults and the shooter’s mother. All the statistic’s being blasted in our faces. Repeated, and repeated, gradually with new information. But we all continue to watch and wonder what could possibly cause someone to do such a senseless thing.

That’s why tonight when I was playing with Sawyer, his laughter sounded like the most beautiful sound in the world. Such a simple thing that I think a lot of people realized today that we take for granted. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to know your child was in that, or any school or location that had had a shooting. It was like having my heart ripped out dealing with Sawyer’s surgery, sitting in a waiting room patiently for news. Literally gutwrenching. And I had 4 months to prep for it, knew what I was going into, and knew we had an almost 100% recovery rate. I don’t know how they drove to the school knowing what happened. How they stayed there all day. How they will go home to an empty house just 10 days from Christmas. With gifts under the tree for a child that won’t ever come home. I don’t know how they will be able to handle any small task ever again. My heart truly goes out to everyone remotely touched by this situation.

I feel that I saw too many comments about how this was a world worth leaving behind. That there is no humanity left. By saying this, you are giving this situation all the power.  Though so many are grieving, you are forgetting the parents who were tearfully reunited with their children. I know those parent’s are so thankful today. We cannot control the world, so unfortunately these sad events will continue to mar our lives. I felt the same way when the Aurora shooting was being covered. And I know my parent’s had many a conversation with me when I would cry at night not wanting to go to school after columbine, over 10 years ago. Instead of being so consumed by sadness I will try to enjoy every little moment that would normally be taken advantage of. Sawyer’s laughs, playing with him, watching him discover new things, even having a complete meltdown screaming and hanging onto my legs. I get to kiss him goodnight tonight, and for that and everyday forth I am so grateful for what I have.

I have rambled in this post because I don’t know what to say. Nothing anyone says will change the outcome of what has occurred. But I wanted to put my feelings in words on my blog. Because one day I will think I am having a bad day, and I will reread this post and understand that none of my day’s will be as terrible as losing a child.

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