the best worst day ever.

Before Sawyer was born I envisioned the mother I would be. But you can never predict the future. I thought since I cry in every Disney movie ever, that I would be a mess of a mom during shots and little boo boo’s. And I never envisioned spending a week in the PICU. But life is a roller coaster and I have always been one to enjoy the ride. Those big hills and loops are my favorite. And have we ever been in a loop the last 4 months. And finally we are on that last climb about to finish this thrill ride.

It’s very true the quote “You were given this life, because you were strong enough to live it.” I have been told repetitively that other’s could not imagine what we are going through. Like I said before I never thought I would be the strong mom. But here I am on my 17th hour in this hospital, and minimal tears shed. That’s not to say I didn’t cry, just less than I would have thought. Because Sawyer needs someone who is fighting for him, and making sure everything is ok.

We started our morning at 4:30am. After only sleeping an hour, we packed up and headed out the door. We were actually pretty calm. Checked in and did a lot of waiting. Surprisingly, Sawyer did really well with not being able to eat after 11pm. I managed to get him to have another nap in my amrs, and even when he woke up he was just his happy self. When the doctor’s came to talk and it was time to hand Sawyer over to the nurses it broke my heart. It was my one big breaking point. We were told babies this little usually scream for you but they put them under so fast it doesn’t last long. But little Sawyer was charming everyone. He didn’t even look back when they walked away. He was enjoying all the bustle going on around him. Which was nice to see him so calm, but extremely hard to see him disappear around a door we could not enter. Brandon and I stood there embraced in each others grief for what felt like forever. I thought the tears would never stop. We made our way to a waiting room to settle in.

We were here early enough to have the room to ourselves for awhile, and then one more family joined us in the private room, otherwise we would have just been waiting in the hallway. We got some breakfast, played some games on the ipad. But the thing that passed the most time was reading everyone’s messages on facebook and emails. I am truly touched by them all. People from all parts of our lives reached out and for that I cannot thank you enough. Some people I haven’t spoken to in years, and even the simplest of messages were so meaningful. I am amazed each day just how many people love this little boy of mine. We are so lucky to share that with him.

Just as our visitors started to arrive and make lunch plans, our Neurosurgeon popped in casually to let us know everything had gone as good as possible! It was a rush of relief and some more tears. Happy tears this time. Next the Plastic surgeon arrived to tell us he was doing so well in recovery that they were removing his breathing tube and was going to be transferred directly to PICU. We had one hour to waste, so we all went for lunch. Auntie Jess and Uncle Matt joined us, as well as Sawyer’s little play date girlfriend Claire and her Mommy Becky. It was so great to be surrounded by friends and family during that time. And the cafeteria has  surprisingly good food!

I will say I didn’t watch the clock and that hour went by pretty fast. Jessica mentioned that we could go and see him already, and I almost didn’t want to go. I was so happy that he was out of surgery, but I was a little scared to see him all wrapped up. He wasn’t going to look like my baby anymore. We are only allowed 2 visitors at a time and Brandon and I both count as one, so if anyone else wanted to see him, one of us had to leave. When we first saw him he was so little,wrapped up, tubes and machine everywhere. He was still losing quite a bit of blood, they had done 3 transfusions in the operating room, And did another on this side right away. Since then 2 more. Its slowed but hasn’t completely stopped. And they didn’t finish the last transfusion because he started to run a fever during it last night. Each of our visitors had a chance to see Sawyer, in turns. Becky brought a whole bag of snack and drinks, socks and toys. Most importantly a roll of quarters for the vending machines! Auntie Jess got a great big monkey balloon and adorable stuffed monkey to brighten Sawyers room. Both gifts very thoughtful and much appreciated.

Brandon and I spent the next 3 hours alone with him, while my mom went home to be with the dogs. I had a quick moment of lightheadedness, just processing it all must have given my body a little push. It passed quickly after I sat down. The time passes much faster on this side of the waiting room. Mom came back to meet us for dinner in the hospital. Then she and Brandon switched off and he went home for a break. Originally we were told only one of us could stay the night, but they waived that. But already being home, we decided Brandon would just have a good nights rest there. They took off his oxygen mask and to my amazement, my kid who give up his soother 2 months ago hasn’t stopped sucking on it for hours. It has taken a huge weight off my shoulders because it is a comfort to him while he cannot see due to swelling. {plus I get to use all the super cute soothers again!}He did manage to open his eyes for a short amount of time last night. Which is nice that he got to see us and know we are here.It will be another 3 days before we will see those beautiful eyes again. My mom left around 10pm  and I started getting ready for bed about an hour later. Its not the most ideal situation but I got a decent night sleep on the reclining chair in Sawyers room.

Sawyer himself is doing so well. Started to swell this morning, and slightly bruise. He is already eating, oxygen mask off, took the catheter out this morning. They will start removing some tubes this afternoon, and then hopefully I can hold my little guy again! But he is a fighter! Giving the nurses all kinds of trouble for anything they want to do. He almost flipped over twice this morning. Always when she turns her back to him. The doctors have just been by this morning to check on him. They will leave the drain and dressing on today and hopefully remove it tomorrow.

The nurses have been fantastic. {must be those cupcakes I bribed them with;)} Both our first and our night nurse, who is returned again tonight and tomorrow! are fantastic. I am so grateful for that. The worst of our journey is over and we can begin to heal and leave this all behind. I never imagine myself sitting in this room, but its now been a part of our lives and Sawyer is better for it. And I have discovered I am a much stronger person that I ever knew. I have probably forgotten half of what went on, and maybe I won’t ever think of those details again. Its all in the past now. Recovery going well. One day down 4 more to go.

17 thoughts on “the best worst day ever.”

  1. Alissa,

    It is so great to hear the updates, you guys have been so strong, Sawyer is lucky to have you! Our brave boy seems to be doing well, as good as can be expected. I’ve had lot’s of phone calls from friends and family wanting to know how Sawyer’s doing, they’re glad to hear he’s doing so well. We look forward to all your words and it makes me feel I’m right there with you. I hope these next few days go by fast and soon he’ll be home in his own bed.

    We love you
    Brenda

  2. Dear Alyssa,

    I’ve been absent a bit from FB lately and had no idea what you were going through. I’ve read through portions of your blog and please know you and your little family will remain in our prayers. I’m so very thankful for God’s grace in bringing Sawyer through surgery yesterday. Please know His hand is not only on you but holding you up and supporting you through this very difficult time. He has given you a strong and capable man in Brandon who I know you are crazy in love with to make this journey together. When our oldest son Matt went to Africa for five month on a mission trip last year, their verse as a team was, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yes, you can. Praying for your sweet little man. Love and blessings, karen

  3. You continue to amaze me with your strength as a mother, I waited for that breaking point and it just never came. The love of a child and the need to care for that child is so strong.The wonderful thing about events like this is that it draws people together, and makes us all better , putting aside our silly little daily struggles to support and love your little family. Our little Sawyer will continue to amaze us today, he wants so badly to be back in yours and Brandon’s arms. These events will stay with us for a lifetime but sweet little Sawyer won’ t remember a thing!

  4. We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I just read through this and it brings tears to my eyes….I have known you since you took your first breaths…and I believe, that everything you have been through up until this time, has prepared you for this exact day and this exact time in your life. You are a wonderful mother. I have every faith that this will work out perfectly. This will be quite a story you tell to Sawyer someday. By that time…it may not even feel like it ever happened! Love Auntie K xoxoxo

  5. Oh Alissa! I feel for you having had Cale in the NICU and Special Care Nursery for 5 weeks when he was born!! You are doing so good! The worst is over and now the recovery begins! You are so lucky to have been able to stay at the hospital. We had to go home every night which was hell!!

    Sawyer is lucky to have such a strong Mom!! It’s amazing what we can handle when we don’t have a choice!!

    Hugs, Monica, Kelly, Cale and Jackson xo

  6. Dear A, B and little S,
    Reading this makes me tear up. But you said it perfectly, you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. I am sending all my virtual hugs and kisses down to Vegas and all my love. I wish I could be there to support you in person,but know that I am here with you every step of the way, rooting you all on. I know Ive said this before but I am so blessed to have such a strong beautiful person like you as a friend and in my life. YOU are an inspiration Alissa! BIG LOVE TO THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!

  7. I also teared up reading this, imagining my own children in Sawyer’s place. I am so thankful the worst is over now and you can just focus on being there for Sawyer and helping him recover. He will be so comforted just knowing you are near by. I bet you can’t wait to hold him in your arms again! Poor sweet boy but he is so lucky to have so many that care about him and are sending him love from afar! He’s also lucky to have 2 strong parents to support him through anything. Take care of yourself, glad to hear you managed to get some rest finally. We’re all still thinking of your family and hoping for a speedy recovery for Sawyer. XOXO

  8. You are a truly amazing Mom Alissa! Keep up with that positive attitude and your beautiful son will be home again soon. Sending lots of love from Calgary.

  9. Alissa,

    What an experience to have to go through. It sounds like you all did amazing! I couldn’t help but cry reading what you wrote and seeing those sweet pictures of little Sawyer. I can’t even imagine having to go through that. I just want to let you know that I’ve been thinking of you, and I’m so glad that everything went well. I check every day for your updates. You are such a great person, good luck with everything

    Mishala

  10. So happy to hear that the surgery went well. Recovery is tough but he will continue to amaze you every single day! Congrats on being “on the other side”!!!

  11. we are @ Debbie’s following the “Sawyer story” our hearts & prayers go out to you all. What a wonderful family. Bill & Irene

  12. Alyssa,

    Glad to hear your beautiful baby boy has come out wonderful on the other side. I’m so amazed by how strong you and your family are. Its just about over, and you have so so so so many good vibes being sent to you-keep faith!
    L.

  13. Hi Alissa, not sure if you will remember me but I know your mom through the Scrapyard….It is so nice that you are updating how Sawyer is doing we have all been thinking of you at the store and Lori lets us all know how you are doing! It is scary having your little dude in the hospital and going through what he has…. our little grandson has been ICU a couple of times now and it really is heartbreaking, soon it will be all finished though and you will get to take your sweet little boy home again….
    take care,

    Lynn

  14. Hi Alissa.

    Your Mom used to cut my hair and I saw you many times when you worked at Stylemakers. You did some gel toes for me one summer. My husband used to work with your Dad a long time ago too.
    I am glad you posted on your blog as I am not a friend of yours on fb – although I am a friend of your Mom’s there. It sounds like you and Brandon were very strong and that your sweet boy did amazing. What you are having to go through isn’t easy. I hope recovery goes quickly and will be thinking of you all. HUGS!

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