I have been strong, for Sawyer. But there are days where I am not. We made it through the surgery with a limited number of tears. I would have never dreamed so little to be possible. But your body works in mysterious ways. Since getting home, I have almost found it to be harder than our 6 days in the PICU. I have felt a rush of emotions at the oddest of times since returning home. Things that I am sure I was pushing back during the recovery time. But now that we are out of danger to most risks, I have time to think about stupid little things. I feel like we were rushed out of the hospital the day of the discharge. The first time I felt so lost in every decision I made. I didn’t know how he should be sleeping or where. If I could resume feeding him solids right away. What to do when he threw up all his medicine and more. There were so many questions I had. Thankfully most have been answered by my sister-in-laws friend, a PICU nurse at another hospital here in town. (Thank you Kelly, you have eased my mind more than you know. And everything you suggested worked like magic!)
What I have found to be the hardest, I would have never thought of. I am feeling detached to Sawyer, because he does not look like “my” Sawyer. Of course they did not change his features, and more and more each day I see his personality shine through. And I know he is still swollen and won’t go down for another month. I know this all, and still I am just feeling like I’ve lost my little baby and its my fault that he’s changed. I know I am insane in thinking it, and then I add some guilt on top of it just for thinking it. I still love him, and when he smiles I am so proud of how far he’s come in just one short week. But I am being honest tonight and that is my biggest struggle so far.
So now you know, I’m human, and not some super mom you’ve all made me out to be. I very much appreciate all the kind encouragement through this whole process. And for the most part I surprised even myself. But I think in the PICU you HAVE to be strong. I did not see another parent in there crying. And I talked to 3 personally. You do it for your kid. But now that we are home, I am allowing feelings in. Its a good thing to have those breaking moments. To cry in the grocery store parking lot. (I wonder what those people parking beside me thought!) Because the human heart can only take so much. So thank you for continuing to lift my spirit. I am still being reached out to by so many people. I would never have thought that anyone beside my husband, dad and aunt read my blog. That alone means so much. (I hope I can continue to keep your attention after this ordeal is over!)
Tomorrow morning my mom leaves and we end just another chapter in this story. Its going to be hard to see her leave. It’s been a huge weight off my shoulder having her help around the house. Even going out together shopping like a regular visit day was just what I needed today. But life goes on and she must go home without us. But then we are lucky because Sawyers GB is coming on the 18th! It will be so nice to see Brandon enjoy the time with his Mom and Sawyer together, like I have enjoyed with my Mom. I am excited to see how he continues to amaze us each day with his smiles and giggles. His new love of books and his growing curiosity. (although the new toy today seems to be scaring the beegeezus out of him!)
And lastly I just want to say I can’t seem to keep up with the thank you’s. I have been literally left speechless over the generosity shown to Sawyer and our family. The flowers, edible arrangements and gift cards for Brandon and I. The toys and books for Sawyer. Each time we receive something, I find it amazing how many people are brightening our days in so many ways. We’ve had so many care packages through the hospital stay and since coming home. Friends and family bringing dinners over. Especially the softy newborn hats Sawyer had custom made for him! I am just loving him in them since he has no hair! I truly am so thankful for everything. You reached out when you didn’t have to, and its very appreciated.
Well this was yet another late night update. I am sure there is spelling errors, grammar errors, sentences that just plainly don’t make sense. Some rambling, some jumping to all different topics. But your getting the real story. I am writing this from my heart. I’ve never promised perfection but I am sharing my story. Thanks for sticking through it.